Ten Rules for Dating a Witches Daughter - author unknown

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Remember when it
comes to my little girl, You Are NONEXISTENT, and I am The all knowing,
all powerful GODDESS of your world and I WILL CAST a SPELL on you and
make you a VOID in this UNIVERSE!

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Remember when it comes to my little girl, You Are INSIGNIFICANT and I
am The all knowing, all powerful GODDESS of your world and I WILL
REDUCE you to a microscopic scale like two minute whiplike threads of
protoplasm!

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the
door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and
I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist. Remember when it comes to my little girl, You
Are a MAGGOT, and I am The all knowing, all powerful GODDESS of
your world and I WILL turn you into a pile of DECAYING MATTER!

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, Remember when it comes to my little
girl, You Are DESPICABLE , and I am The all knowing, all powerful
GODDESS of your world and I WILL knock your ass into OBLIVION!

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, video games, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you
is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at
my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Remember when it comes to my little girl, You Are a NEWT, and I am The
all knowing, all powerful GODDESS of your world and I WILL put you in
my CAULDRON and BURN you!

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you
make her cry, Remember when it comes to my little girl, You Are a
Insignificant SPECK of life, and I am The all knowing, all powerful
GODDESS of your world and I WILL DISINTEGRATE you!

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the
Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Remember when it
comes to my little girl, You Are MEANINGLESS, and I am The all knowing,
all powerful GODDESS of your world and I will OMIT You indefinitely!

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and
a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain
saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Remember when it comes to my little girl, You Are FLY, and I am The all
knowing, all powerful GODDESS of your world and I WILL turn you into a
FROG!

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
a lot of land behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Remember when it
comes to my little girl, You Are NOTHING, and I am The all knowing, all
powerful GODDESS of your world and I WILL CONJURE an INCANTATION and
ERADICATE You!

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for an Iraqi tank. The voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Remember when it
comes to my little girl, You Are DIRT, and I am The all knowing, all
powerful GODDESS of your world and I WILL use my BROOM and sweep you
out of her life permanently